As mental health awareness month draws to a close, I thought I'd take a moment to open up about my mental health.
This month, or more accurately, this year has been a trying time for me. I've been dealing with lots of stress, anxiety, and depression. In fact, things have gotten so extreme for me that earlier this month I ended up in the hospital.
Mental health is something I've dealt with for as long as I can remember. As a child and adolescent, I used to be in and out of psychiatrist offices and therapist offices frequently. I don't think I would have made it through college without the support of my on-campus counselor. When I tell people this, they always seem surprised. I am an optimistic and "happy" person. What problems could I possibly have?
I have always had a battle with depression. I have good days, and I have bad days. It's hard to describe to people because people see me smile and think I'm happy or think that being depressed means nonstop crying and being sad. Depression for me is not getting out of bed unless I absolutely need to, it’s not texting people back, not doing things I know I should be doing (adulting), and other things like that. The sadness for me is most prevalent when I can't sleep at night. But like I said, depression is something I've always dealt with. It's a familiar demon, but it's a demon none the less.
Another thing I've dealt with is "trauma". I hate referring to this as trauma because when people hear that word, they think the worst. I haven't been through the worst, but I have been through some bad situations and I've had to learn with how to deal with those situations and deal with the consequences as they come.
Stress is something we all deal with, and in small doses can even be healthy. Stress is something I always claim I'm good at managing. What I'm good at is time management. Even so, I've always dealt with stress as it came, and life went on. Lately my stress has been overwhelming. There have been times in my life where I have been more stressed out, but for some reason normal things have been stressing me out recently. Boy drama, stress from starting a new business, friends, not liking what I see in the mirror, and family issues. Yes these are stressful, but they are all a part of my daily life. Why is it that sometimes I deal with them just fine and sometimes they take over my life?
Something new to me that I've been dealing with has been anxiety. I had my first panic attack earlier this year. I recommend avoiding them if you can. They are not fun. Since then I've had other bursts of anxiety where my heart doesn't stop racing and I can't stop thinking. Breathing goes from being an automatic function my body does to something I have to think about, and I get stuck inside my head.
All these reasons, plus me not taking the best care of myself, ended up with me in the hospital because I passed out 3 times in about the span of an hour. No, I wasn't dehydrated (you should see how much water I consume daily). My iron wasn't low, my blood sugar was fine, my blood pressure was fine, my potassium level was fine, and the doctors were at a loss as to what was going on with me. I've been going in for follow up appointments and the only reason seems to be related to my mental health, more specifically my stress and anxiety.
I have the absolute best friends in the world. I wouldn't trade them for anything. I truly appreciate and cherish my friends and I'm not sure how I got so lucky to have them in my life, but I'm keeping them. I talk to my friends all the time. I often open up to them about many of these things that I'm dealing with, I don't keep it bottled up and they have always been very supportive. There are times though when I feel like I'm on repeat to them. I grew up with the mentality that complaining gets you nowhere. So, what do I do when I've gone to my friends and I'm now a broken record repeating the same issues to them repeatedly and having nothing change?
I am an incredibly independent person, sometimes to a fault. I have a hard time admitting I need help and an even tougher time asking for it. It's important to know that even if you do everything right, you do everything you should be doing, it is still okay to need help. Also know that your feelings ARE VALID! Growing up I was always told when I'd try and express my feelings that I was being dramatic or when I couldn't find the words to describe what I was feeling that "I don't know" wasn't a good enough answer. It's taken me years to understand that it's okay to not know how to express how I'm feeling in the moment and just because I can't right then and there doesn't diminish the fact that I still feel those emotions.
I'm not asking for sympathy. This is something I have to deal with, and it is something I am dealing with. I am seeing a counselor and I am taking things one day at a time. Be kind to others. Listen. You don't know what a person is dealing with and a little kindness or patience never hurt anyone. Mental health is extremely important, and it can effect anyone and it effects everyone differently. If you are struggling, know that you're not alone. Know that it doesn't make you any less of a person. I am right here with you. It's okay to not be okay. I promise. Give yourself time.